Talking Too Much Is Often a Clarity Problem

We all know someone who cannot seem to land their point. They pile on context, backstories, and disclaimers, often making it sound like they are rambling. However, this is not usually an attempt to dominate the conversation. More often, they are trying desperately to avoid being misunderstood. When a speaker lacks trust in their own clarity, they use excessive words as a shield for safety.

The Root Cause: Fear and Uncertainty

The tendency to be long-winded stems from a fear of misinterpretation. When your thoughts are sharp and clear, a single sentence is enough to stand confidently on. When your thoughts are muddled, however, every statement feels like a risk. The speaker attempts to control how you interpret their words by flooding you with information. They are not only speaking to you. They are negotiating with their own inner uncertainty.

Under the Surface: What Is Happening Mentally

• Stress scrambles prioritisation - Clarity relies on a mental hierarchy, knowing what is most important, what comes next, and what is irrelevant. Stress flattens this hierarchy, making everything feel equally urgent and relevant, so everything gets included.
• Drafting and editing go live - Clear communicators separate the processes of drafting, getting the thoughts out, and editing, refining them. Long-winded communicators draft and edit simultaneously, out loud. They start a sentence, immediately second-guess it, correct themselves, and add qualifiers. The listener hears their internal negotiation played out in real time.
• Fear of judgement - For some, over-explaining is a learned defence mechanism. They have experienced being punished, judged as wrong, rude, or stupid, for a concise but “wrong” phrase. Over time, they start believing that only absolute precision can ensure safety.
• Key insight - Clarity is a skill, and stress is the main thing that degrades this skill. Stress does not reduce intelligence. It damages the organisation.

The Professional Impact

• Diluted decision-making - Too much information hides the main point. Meetings focus on context, not clear conclusions, leaving no defined next steps.
• Wasted resources - Attention is limited. Long explanations force listeners to sort through information, wasting their time and energy.
• Damaged trust and competence perception - Inability to make a clear point makes colleagues doubt the speaker’s overall competence, even if they are skilled. Communication is often treated as evidence of capability.
• Increased misunderstanding - Trying to prevent misunderstanding often causes it. More details mean more chances for the listener to focus on the wrong thing.

The Downsides of Excessive Talking

• Draining monologues - Simple questions can rapidly turn into lengthy, meandering speeches. This exhausts the listener and often obscures the original point of the conversation.
• Enforced listening - Speaking too much establishes an uncomfortable power imbalance. The listener feels trapped, having to listen to something said in ten minutes that could be said in thirty seconds.
• Apparent defensiveness - Offering too much explanation is frequently interpreted as a defensive posture or over-justification. This unintentionally positions the listener as an accuser.
• Blocked connection - A genuine connection requires mutual presence, not sheer volume. Long monologues generate mental noise. The speaker is preoccupied with delivery, while the listener is focused on when it will end or on formulating their reply. This dual preoccupation hinders empathy and results in a superficial bond rather than a deep connection.

How to Respond with Structure

The goal is clean contact, not social dominance. Hold the standard for clarity without turning it into a character judgment.

• Name the pattern without shaming
  “I am losing the main point. What is the one thing you want me to understand, or what are you asking for?”
• Interrupt early, stay kind
  Waiting until you are resentful is too late. Interrupt early to maintain kindness.
• Ask for the conclusion first
  “Before we go deeper, can you state it in one sentence?”
  If they cannot, they are still formulating their thoughts, not ready to communicate them.
• Offer a clear container
  “Give me three bullet points.”
  Or, “Start with the conclusion, then the reason, then the details.”
  Or, “Tell me what you need from me: advice, agreement, action, or listening?”
• Set a time boundary
  “I have five minutes. Give me the main thing first.”
• Do not become their editor
  Constantly sorting their thoughts for them trains them to remain unclear. Return the work.
  “I want to understand you, but I need you to land the point.”

If You Are the Long-Winded Speaker

1. Regulate, then speak - If you feel overwhelmed, pause for ten seconds. Slow, deliberate breathing calms the nervous system, which allows clarity to return.
2. Lead with the conclusion - State the main sentence first, then explain. Most people do the reverse.
3. Adopt a simple structure - One sentence headline, one sentence reason, one specific example. Then stop.
4. Write it down first - Writing imposes structure and prevents mental drift, which speech allows.
5. Notice the true fear - The underlying fear is often this. If I am concise, I will be misunderstood. If I am misunderstood, I will be judged. If I am judged, I will be unsafe. Recognising this fear is the first step.

Long-windedness is rarely arrogance. It is a signal from a stressed nervous system. People talk too much when they do not trust their own ability to be clear. By recognising this, you can respond with helpful structure instead of harmful cruelty. This practice protects your attention and keeps the relationship strong.

2026 © Shamala Tan