Our Defensiveness Is Our Weakness
Sep 01, 2019
Ever had a conversation or an argument with someone, and you ended up being defensive in your position? And you feel wronged, misunderstood, judged and you feel you need to right the wrong. Unfortunately, this becomes a weakness.
Strength comes from a silent resolve to stand by what you believe. Strength comes from your integrity in what you believe. Interestingly, by trying to argue your way out of something, it only shows that you lack the resolve to stand by your word/point/belief. It shows that you do not have a conviction in the first place.
A simple analogy would be someone who argues with you that the earth is flat. You know for a fact that the earth is not flat, so why would you argue with someone to try to prove your point? By getting into the argument, you are indicating that there is a possibility that the earth is flat.
This interestingly happens a lot with people who have no intentions to get help, yet they seek me out, and they want to prove that they are right. Which means that they are not convinced of their own position in the first place — this comes from fear of not being heard, fear of not being understood, fear of not being special in their problems. The patterns are of people who just want validation that they are doing the right thing, and they are okay.
The reality is we are not okay. Well, we are okay from a grander perspective but in our human-ness and how we wish to live better lives and become better people, we are not that okay. We all need help on one level or another. We all have our quirks, oddness, and psychological hurts. And the thing about moving towards wellness is acknowledging that it is a journey to meet the self. A journey of awareness to get to know self.
Only through knowing self, can we have better relationships with others, our work and how we wish to be of service in the world we live in. We cannot coach or counsel ourselves, no matter how good a coach we are, for the simple reason that we cannot see our own blind spots.
Being defensive is one of the biggest blindspots of people. Just have a conversation with anyone you know — your family, your colleagues, your friends, and especially your children (note: teens!), and see how they pull up the defensive curtain. This curtain creates a sense of separation between us and them. How do we deal with this?
Firstly, by not being defensive, it helps to create a connection between you and someone else. In any conversation, the minute you feel you feel to defend yourself, don’t. It is ok to be vulnerable to laugh at the situation, lighten it up, and if you feel wronged, simply stand by your beliefs, and do not allow yourself to be shaken. Remind yourself of your conviction.
Secondly, if someone is being defensive in your interaction with them, give them a way out, so that you bridge the gap between the two of you.
Thirdly, remember this — there is strength in silence. We do not have to talk to prove a point. Silence does the job really well, most of the time.
© 2019 Shamala Tan
Let me know how I can assist you if you have any questions [email protected]
Shamala Tan is an author, spiritual entrepreneur and healer. Her work focuses on transforming the lives of others on the spiritual, emotional, mental and earthly level.
One of her success stories as an author is to being featured alongside New York’s bestsellers Sonia Choquette, Robert Allen, Arielle Ford, Marci Shimoff as well as Christine Kloser in the book Pebbles In The Pond.
Shamala’s clients include small business owners, holistic practitioners as well as those seeking to find more significant meaning and value in life. Shamala offers laser coaching to her clients on a one-to-one basis or in a group environment, offline as well as online.